June 11, 2018
“Life is a series of ups and downs.”
Recently, these words have taken on a whole new meaning in my life, as my “downs” have become far more literal than emotional. As the cancer continues to weaken my body, I find myself frequently having an up close and personal relationship with the floor. Often, I look like i got caught between a sumo wrestler and a dessert buffet. I tell others jokingly, my bruises now have bruises. And I advise them with each fall I take, if they are smart, they will invest in bubble wrap.
As friends and family visit and talk to me, they often encouragingly tell me, it will not be my bruises they remember. That they will one day look back on me, and remember the man they knew before the cancer. The man that did not need to lean heavily on a cane to walk across the room, or who did not have to think twice when getting up out of a chair. But when that day comes, and others think back on me, I hope it is my bruises they remember most.
I want to be remembered by those bruises, because in the weakness of each of those bruises, is found my greatest strength. With each bruise, I am reminded of just how weak I am, and just how much I need our Lord each and every day. Reminding me that it is not my cane holding me up, but His arms. That my next step is not possible because of my efforts, but because of His love. And reminding me, it is only because of His love that i do not remain a crumbled mess on the floor. Instead, feeling those arms lifting me up, so I can take another step.
Each bruise, reminds me of an old hymn that is still sung many Sundays. Most of you will remember the chorus of “Count Your Blessings”, as we are told to count them one by one. But it is in the last lines of the hymn that my bruises take me. “So amid the conflict whether great or small, do not be discouraged, God is over all; Count your blessings, angels will attend, help and comfort give you to your journey’s end”. Each day, as this world looks on at the imperfections of my bruises, God still sees the perfection He created underneath those bruises. Bruises, that the Holy Spirit is not discouraged by, but knows He can use in the most powerful of ways. Bruises, that in His hands, are turned into a blessing, not seen on me as a curse.
I have often said, and will repeat as long as the Lord will let me speak the words, my cancer is not a curse, but a blessing. Those around me, daily offer their prayers for me. Telling me that they are praying for the Lord to heal me, trusting the Lord will perform a miracle in my life. Removing this cancer from me, and making the impossible, possible(Matthew 19:26). And I will never have the words to express how much each of those prayers mean to me. But I pray that with each of their prayers, they will realize the Lord has not just heard their prayers, but answered them. He has already performed the greatest of miracles in me, and each day, He now makes the impossible, possible. Every day, He removes the limitations that cancer would seek to place on me. When the cancer leaves my voice too weak to speak, He blesses me by allowing many to see His Word still being found in the words I have written. On the days I am barely able to walk, He still leads my path to those who need prayer, and blesses me to be able to offer them the words of encouragement He is calling on me to give. Each day, He blesses me by showing me, cancer does not leave me with an excuse, but in His hands, offers me an opportunity to share His Word with others, and to bring glory to His name.
Through my cancer, the Lord daily brings to life the promises Christ has made me, that He will always be with me. And no matter what I face, He will not abandon me(Joshua 1:9, Matthew 28:20). Each day, I am blessed to not just hear those words, but to live those words. Being allowed the blessing of fully understanding the depth of that promise. Leaving me knowing, without a doubt, that if I can count on these promises, just how much I can also count on the future promises He has given me. And allowing me the absolute blessing and privilege of letting others see by the way His hand is moving in my life, just how real each and every one of His promises are.
My bruises do not leave me wanting less, but leave me knowing just how blessed I am, and how much more I have in Him. A daily reminder in the mirror of just how precious this gift of life is, and how much each day He gives us means. A daily opportunity to share His love with as many as I possibly can. Knowing the blessing He gives us today, may be a blessing that another will also cherish and share with us tomorrow. If you never remember anything else i say, please remember what a blessing each opportunity He gives us to share His Word is. A blessing that is always perfect, and can never be seen as bruised.
As i look down at my bruises, i find a tear forming in my eye. Not a tear of pain, not even a tear of sorrow. I find my eyes filled with tears of joy. Joy that the Lord could still find purpose and perfection in someone as imperfect as me. Someone, that without Him, deserves the bruises far more than he could ever come to deserve that perfection. And with each glance at my bruises, I find myself leaning hard on my cane to stand. Carefully balancing myself so I might raise my arms to the heavens. Finding what is left of my voice so I can make one more shout. Praising Him for the bruising He took for me.
“But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5
