July 14, 2014
I could hear the pain in his voice as he spoke to me, The tremble and struggle he had with certain words as he described to me what had recently happened in his life. His mountains had found him standing on top of the greatest of the Alps, his valleys had found him feeling trapped in the depths of a gorge. As the tears ran down his face, he now wondered just where he stood.
As the pastor of a longstanding, small church, Will had faithfully served the Lord for years. Over the past few years, Will had added an extra prayer each day for his church. He needed the Lord to bring a special man through the doors of the church, a man who could help him serve the needs of the people, a man who could help the church fulfill the purpose that the Lord had called it to. As the prayers went up, the Lord answered, and through the doors of the church came such a man. A young man who was on fire for the Lord, and who had a desire to serve. A young man who did not care what the church could offer him, but only what he could offer the church.
Around this same time, Will and his family also received another unusual blessing in their life. As the pastor of a small church, Will and his wife had often struggled financially. There was months that they were barely able to pay the bills, but through it all, the Lord had always provided a way. Then the day came that the struggle would forever change. They had unexpectedly inherited a large sum of money, enough to pay off their house and all they owed. Enough to help the church, and enough to secure its’ immediate future. Will found himself on his knees, thanking the Lord for the prayers He had answered, and for the peace that He alone had brought to his life.
Over the next couple of weeks, Will began to struggle with health issues. After visiting his doctor and a specialist, and being administered a series of tests, the doctor broke the news. Will had an inoperable tumor, one that put his life in more than just danger. The doctor had to inform Will that he only had a couple of months to live. After the initial shock, Will began to pray. As the words of his prayer started to leave his lips, he realized the Lord had already heard every syllable. Will was concerned about his family and his church, making sure both would be okay without him. As he sat in his car after leaving the doctor’s office, Will could see how the hand of the Lord had already moved. The Lord had sent a young pastor to the church, one who could and would continue to move the church forward. And the recent inheritance they had received, had put his wife in a position of financial security. Will sat in the car in tears, the Lord had found a solution before Will had even known there was a problem.
Over the next couple of weeks, worries began to fill Will’s mind. He began to worry if the young pastor was ready for what would lie ahead. Was he ready to take on the day to day issues he would face in the church? He also began to worry about his family, if only he could have the time to spend with each. Time that each would remember long after he had passed. Will’s prayers soon became prayers of time, asking the Lord to just give him a little more time to do the things he felt he needed to do. One year was all he asked, one year to get these things done that he felt that only he could do.
On his next doctor’s visit, Will again received remarkable news. The tumor had not continued to progress as expected. leaving the doctor to tell Will that his two months may now be a little longer. Will immediately began to smile, feeling the Lord had again heard his pleas. He felt the Lord was giving him the time to do the things he had asked to do.
As Will finished telling me this, you could hear his voice again start to crack, and you could see the tears filling his eyes. Less than two months later, Will received a phone call from his neighbor while at the church one day. As he answered the phone, his neighbor could hardly speak. He listened as his neighbor explained the situation he had just witnessed to him. As he neighbor had returned home, he could see the car of Will’s wife in the driveway with the door open. As he looked at it closely, he could see Will’s wife lying collapsed on the ground by the car. There was nothing he or the paramedics could do. His wife had suffered an unexpected heart attack, and had died instantly. As Will did all he could to recompose himself, he knew that he had to make a call he never expected to have to make. He had to call his daughter, letting her know that her mother had passed. Burying his wife was the hardest thing Will had ever done, and was not a day he thought he would ever see.
As Will finished telling me about his wife, I watched as his head fell again. The crack in his voice suddenly became broken. The words that Will began to speak, were not words I was prepared to hear. Less than two weeks after the sudden death of his wife, the phone would ring in Will’s life once again. A local hospital called, asking Will if he could come to their emergency room immediately. By the time Will arrived, he learned that a woman had ran a red light while texting on her phone. Her car had plowed into another car, killing all three that were innocently passing through the intersection. The three victims in the car was Will’s only daughter, his son in law, and his two year old granddaughter. By the time Will could make it to the hospital that day, all three had already passed.
As the funeral ended, Will found himself in shock. In the first minutes that Will had found himself alone in several days, Will began to pray. As he folded his hands, Will remembered his last prayers. The prayers of time began to fill the mind of Will. The reality of the situation began to consume Will. God had prepared all around him for the events that would come from the tumor. The Lord had put the pieces in place for all the things that Will was concerned about. Will now realized, that time was not needed. The Lord had already set a plan in motion for when Will would no longer be present on this Earth. A plan that the Lord could bring to fulfillment without Will, a plan Will now felt he had selfishly asked to be a part of.
I can still hear Will’s words so vividly. “Instead of me waiting in Heaven for them, they are now there waiting in Heaven for me. My selfish prayers have caused me to see things I wished I had never seen, and to do things I wish I had never had to do.” The guilt that Will now feels overwhelms him. In the past few days, Will has left his pastoral role in the church. His days are filled with regret, and each moment is now filled with pain. A pain that Will now feels the Lord was preparing to spare him from.
Listening to Will, his words were like a spear piercing through my heart. His words made me pause, and caused me to think of my own life. As some may know, I have been diagnosed with stage four cancer. The doctors have more than once told me I have way over extended my warranty, that I am alive today only by the hand of God. As I heard Will speak, I quickly reflected on my own words, and my own prayers. As my time draws short, it is so easy to ask the Lord for time. More than once I have caught myself saying, “Lord would you please allow me to be here to see that.” Or I hear myself say, “Lord please allow me to see this finished.” It is so easy to believe that only I can do what needs to be done, that without me things will just not be accomplished and completed. I so effortlessly forget, that the One who sets things in motion, that the One who can make things complete, is not me. I must constantly remind myself, it is not my will, it is Thy will.
My own words often remind me of Psalm 32:9, “Do not be as the horse or as the mule which have no understanding, Whose trappings include bit and bridle to hold them in check, Otherwise they will not come near to you.” My own stubbornness can often be my greatest obstacle, causing me to wander from the path that God’s will has set before me. My own will bridles me, and my wants can often saddle me. The Lord must often place blinders on me, so my focus is directed toward His will.
God constantly reminds me, His will is not something I must know, His will is something I must do. Every verse of His Word reminds me, knowing His will is not enough, I must also set a course to follow His will(James 4:17). I must be eager and prepared to surrender to His will, I must find myself with a stronger desire to do His will than to simply know His will. I must be content to see His will done, so that His words are seen and heard in my words.
It is not enough that I have surrendered my life to Christ, I must also long to surrender my will to Christ. I must be willing to humble myself before Him, so that His will may govern me, and His ways may guide me(Psalm 25:9). I must be willing to set aside my own self-serving desires, and my own selfish pride, so that Christ may be reflected in me. I cannot forget, in order to be a teacher, I must first be teachable, so that His ways will be heard in my words. The words I write and speak must echo those of the Lord, stating plainly that His needs always come before our wants.
I must be willing to deny my own will so His will may be served. I must be willing to sacrifice all, because I have been given all. I must be willing to trust the Lord in every situation, knowing that what I may not understand today, will be the joy that I will praise the Lord for tomorrow. We only see today, and we so soon forget the lessons of yesterday. But the Lord knows where we stood in the past, He knows where we stand today, and He knows where we need to be standing tomorrow.
As my days on this earth soon come to an end, I pray that with each remaining day I see His will done. I pray that He will help me each day to forget my will, and to only remember His. That at the end of each day, I will have found myself yielding to the Lord’s will. I pray that I will live each day in the light of this commitment, and each new day will find me recommitting to His will. I pray that my greatest desire will not be my own, but to see His will done, and His name glorified.
Finally, to my fellow brother in Christ, I pray that the Lord’s grace and mercy will surround you, and that His loving arms will engulf you. I pray that the words you so often preached, will be the words that fill your every thought. I pray you will again remember, that the guilt and pain that now fills you, will one day soon be felt and remembered no more. And I pray that through it all, you will never forget, you are still His Will!
Praying my will may be forgotten, so His will may be done!
